Bigger Not Better/Bigger Is Better

BY Kristin Palla and Mel Campbell

BIGGER NOT BETTER

Everyone will assume they’re fake Monopolies Phil Spector’s hair Hormonal imbalance Bear in the middle of the road Let’s hope it’s not malignant How often do you actually go ‘off-roading’ anyway? Famous enough to get stalkers (apart from your mum) Everyone knows you’re making up that “one that got away” Needles Fat kid on the other end of the seesaw Time for your next waxing appointment Texas The down payment alone could break you Pint-wise? Before an interview? Um The Titanic You want to be able to digest it Pores Your teacher’s bum $50 million-dollar box-office flops Cold sores Clowns, real or imagined Scientology Steven Tyler’s lips The Spruce Goose The Great Depression Percentage of expense account spent on hookers Lines of people Lines of coke (unless you’re you-know-who) Award show speeches

BIGGER IS BETTER

Strudel! National parks Brains Doorways for body builders Novelty foam pointing fingers Amount of space between seats on a plane Amount of space in front of you on a plane City backyards Bouquet to jilted lover, even though it probably won’t help Nightclub toilets Halloween costumes. It’s your one day a year to be really annoying Holiday bonuses Parking spaces Pile of poker chips Continental breakfast Trashy airport novels Karen Carpenter Knives – if you’re a chef or bounty hunter Rolls of toilet paper Water pistols Heart-shaped revolving beds Elevators Bling Search parties Sumo wrestlers Cheese wheel – if you like cheese Lungs Dolly Parton – great set of lungs Christmas ham The box you’d want if you decided to mail yourself