An Old Dog in a Black Kettle is Worth Nine Fools in the Bush

BY Robert Cook

Sometimes I get tongue-tied, you know. So a while back I took to writing lists of things to say in professional contexts. Exhibition openings, academic conferences, community liaison imperatives, coffee shops, even the pub. Some I’ve used to minor acclaim, some to major. Some are plain non sequiturs designed to distract, baffle and cast a mildly humorous hue over things. Some are poetic gold waiting to fall on the right, deserving ears.

Pay bar, I am hearing that right? – a-p-a-y-f-u-c-k-i-n-g-b-a-r? Like it or not, Artforum is what we’re up against. Can you really breathe in there? I’m still feeling a lack of criticality. I said I’d come and I’m here – just don’t ask me to believe. Yeah, like bed-lice on a YBA! Your paradigm is my shopping list. Look, with my teaching load there is just no damned time, so back the fuck off. Dominant is the new subversive. To coincide with the northern hemisphere summer I think. Man if this guy was any more uptown. You’ve already won the mental game. Snap! They totally support your vision. Right, but Phaidon are only interested if I drop Ellroy and sweet talk Cooper round instead. Just like New York, but um, kinda not, heh-heh-heh. The work got stuck in the backlash against Arkley. I said tone, not chrome. Tan lines do not always signify tennis club dreaming. Curatoriam/Herbarium what’s the difference? Get the caterer’s number and I’ll warm up the car. Hegemonise this, Poindexter! No one is denying the pleasure of the political was her fundamental concern. Oh, you know, with the new kitchen done, I’ve a good clean run at the Paris show. Right here, right now, this is the future of the mainstream. There is a beyond-Bennetton you know, it’s just hard to see. Home before my pants burst! I am feeling the synergic interface, but not like Sao Paolo, not even close. U-Mass say autumn, though the translations are in the bag already. Are my biceps reflexive enough for you? JorgemyPardo Bryce, I didn’t quite get that, did you say these oysters are like grilled or something? You are the Tenzing Norgay of the Australian art scene.