Issue #11 - July 2008
All That Glitters Is/Not Gold

Friendly Society

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True Lust

BY Panther S. Grouchiness and Françoise

Reacting against the phoney ‘pick-up artist’ phenomenon sparked by the works of Neil Strauss, our young heroes Panther S. Grouchiness and Françoise approach various strangers clad only in the robes of honesty. Several put-downs later, they emerge bruised and battered but feel somehow cleaner. (In truth, one of these incidents is fabricated.)

11:45pm SATURDAY, PONY, CITY Panther: Y’know you’re the fourth best looking girl I’ve seen all night. Laughter. ‘Um, okay.’ Looks put out. No, it was a compliment, there are some okay looking girls here. ‘Well, who are the other three?’ Uh, there’s your friend there… Outcome: Panther gets her number. Then loses it. If you’re reading this, contact Panther through the magazine.

11pm THURSDAY, CHERRY, CITY Françoise: Hi. I’m Françoise. Do you have a girlfriend? My friend there said I should have a shot at picking you up. ‘Oh yeah? What if I said I had one?’ You look like you’re unattached. ‘Well, I don’t really have a girlfriend.’ Well, I don’t really want a boyfriend. You just looked cute. My last boyfriend was better looking than you, though. Wanna do something tomorrow? Outcome: Date. Françoise says it was crap.

10:30pm WEDNESDAY, MENTONE HOTEL, MENTONE Panther: Hey, you should be shot for wearing that dress. ‘WHAT? You can’t say that to someone. I can’t believe how rude that is.’ Walks away. Comes back an hour later. ‘I was furious with you for a while. Who do you think you are, you think you can just come into my club and talk to me that way’ etc etc Outcome: Panther and Françoise flee.

1:15am FRIDAY, , CITY Françoise: Hey, I live at home with my mum and I haven’t gotten laid for six weeks and I always wanted to do a random hookup in the toilets here. You look up for it. ‘Awesome, let’s go.’ To friend: ‘Hey Mike, I’ll be back in a minute.’ Outcome: Françoise is grossed out by gross toilet cubicle and lack of lock on door. Leaves. Drought continues.

Despite their sufferings, our investigative team felt somehow cleaner for having spoken their minds. Which makes us wonder, would the world really be a better place if people were just more honest with each other? Well, Panther and Françoise’s findings suggest that more honesty might lead to more random sexing. But does increased random sex a good policy make? Well, honestly, yes. So, take our advice: do like your mother used to say and just be yourself.